on being an artist

i'm an artist

new paint table shelf-half finished

i look at the world from that view point

it's usually a bit left from center 

i observe

sometimes people don't like what i do observe

it sometimes gets people nervous

however, most often i don't even realize i have observed something until later

sometimes i see things that people really don't want me to see......

it's a curse and a gift and i get to live it daily

i was once told ( and by my brother of all people) that even if i took a 'break' from art i couldn't take a break from being an artist.....

because it was how my head was wired and i would continue to look at the world from that view point-and i continued to get better even when i was on a break!

guess he was right huh?

i LOVE what i do.....especially when the work is going well...... but even when it isn't going well, i would still rather doing this then anything else. 

i try, (sometimes without realizing it) to challenge myself with each painting...... then there is the ebb and flow of working....plus the inevitable questions back and forth

the dialog in my head goes something like this 

'i don't think i can pull this one off...'

'this is too advanced for me'

' i am so going to get this one' 

'totally'

'oops, oh shit'

'i need more brushes'

'WHY didn't i use heavier paper for this one, it's all freeken washes and now it's buckled.......(why didn't i stretch the paper)'

'oh LOOK a hawk ....( that would be said while 'resting' my eyes looking out the window)'

'coffee and icecream is a perfectly acceptable breakfast......' ( cause i paint early early sometimes)

'you need to layer like 7 different blues to get a hint of the right one'

'what the hell does this need? damned if i know'

'ok it's about to be recycled'

now that last one brings wails from the people who love me and follow my work......

but it is true some stuff really does need to be recycled.....

and if/when i chop it all up and then make scrap mixed media bookmarks or something out of it... 

well let's just say......that'll be between me and the studio ok?

the fact of being an artist is that you have a dialog going on in your head.....several actually, all at once

there is the technical part of you.... 'blue next to orange and they both pop' 

the human side of you ' wow, look at that beautiful bird......amazing'

the child side of you ' how much fun is this and let's add more color'

the adult side of you ' really i need to get the dishes washed'

and this all sort of swirls around while you work

that's why i am so glad when i get into that 'zone' which is a total meditative place

everything either shuts down but the work

or 

i just can't hear the other shit that is yacking away in my head

oh and somedays

there comes a finished painting that has me saying 

'holey shit! did i do that? na.....i must have been channeling leonardo.....cause honey i just ain't that good'

so there you go......

a glimpse into my head,---minus the screaming budgies, the music that sings little songs to me from a cd in the boom box, the drips and splashes of paint, the endless marketing, and the wish for a prettier studio like i see in all the magazines........(DOES any real work go on in them studios? damn i must be the sloppiest artist EVER)

til next time